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The Hydrogen Project
Red and his pals try to carbonate Possum Lake, which results in hydrogen forming on the lake. Cast (in order of appearance): , , , , , , , , , Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, That's What Friends Are For, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Harold's Segments, Adventures With Bill, The Experts DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5 DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: Rick Green plays Bill on the show, and actually, he created the Red Green series with me. He's a friend of mine. Um, the problem that Rick has is that he thinks of things in his mind and he gets all excited about them and doesn't really think about when he actually has to do it. And this is a perfect example in this episode: he had this idea of drilling a well, getting onto a power auger and having that thing take off. He'd actually ride it around. He just thought that was the funniest idea in his mind, and then later on, when we had to actually apply his body to that idea, he wasn't quite as enthused about it. Transcript Intro {Red stands fishing on a pier early in the morning.} RED GREEN: One of the differences between men and women is that women kinda see the big picture, whereas men kind of see everything in little wee parts. That's why most women are into holistic medicine, whereas most surgeons are guys. {the title "The Hydrogen Project" is displayed} To a woman, a car is a means of transportation. To a guy, it's a bunch of components; parts that he can fix or customize or change around in some way. If he can take a car and cut it in half, bumper to bumper, he's got two motorcycles. I think that's why guys never throw anything out. They're waitin' to see what it devolves into. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. Title sequence {The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Harold, Red and Edgar sitting around a table. Edgar shouts something that rocks the room.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Today on "The Red Green Show", we got Edgar K.B. Montrose. {Cut to Glen sitting on the hood of a boat, trying to suck down some liquid from a cup.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Glen Brachston's settlin' up down at the marina. {Cut to Bill furiously trying to jam a pipe into the ground.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill is gonna try and drill us a well. {Cut to Red inside the Lodge, placing a lit cigarette lighter under his hat. A pink flame erupts from inside the hat.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} I got some hydrogen in my hat. {Cut to Red and Harold fishing in a creek. Harold suddenly dragged forward by his fishing line.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} And as always, Harold is up the creek. Plot Segment 1 {The camera pans through the Lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.} HAROLD GREEN: And now here's a man with the most lumber in his jack, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green! {Red enters, waving to everyone. He walks over toward a weight scale.} RED GREEN: Thank you! Thank you, and now if you've met the lumberjack, meet the lumbering jerk, {gestures toward Harold} my nephew, Harold. {Harold plays his switcher. An outboard motor flies around the screen for a few seconds.} RED GREEN: Been kind of a good news week in a way for me up here. I gotta lose a little bit of weight. {gets on scale} I got a– I got a check-up coming up pretty soon. {checks his weight} No, nothin' yet. {gets back down} But I heard that this, uh, this water diet is a real good thing. And, uh, apparently, the water in Possum Lake has just been declared okay for human consumption. HAROLD GREEN: Really? I wouldn't drink it. RED GREEN: Well, so what? I said human consumption. HAROLD GREEN: Well, if the water in Possum Lake's been declared okay, there's obviously something wrong with the testing equipment. RED GREEN: The water's fine, Harold. Now, if we're gonna get into criticizing the government, we're in for a long night, all right? HAROLD GREEN: Well, what about all that stuff floating in it? RED GREEN: Gets your teeth clenched. {to camera} Anyway, now that the water is officially okay, we just gotta find a way to make it taste better. HAROLD GREEN: How're you gonna do that? That water tastes like bad eggs! RED GREEN: Well, we'll add bad bacon bits. Make it taste like a bad breakfast. Actually, Junior Singleton had a good idea: you know, he thought we could carbonate the lake. You know how they carbonate things like grapefruit pops so they don't taste too bad? So Moose said, "Look, if we all just back our cars down, get the exhaust pipes in there," he figures the carbon dioxide comin' out of the tailpipe will carbonate the lake. HAROLD GREEN: That's carbon mon''oxide. Very much like carbon dioxide, except it kills all life. Otherwise, good plan. '''RED GREEN:' Yeah, well, we're not gonna do that, we're gonna use electricity. You know how you put a nine-volt battery on the tongue, kinda feels like carbonation? {Harold laughs} Yeah. Well, we figure we drop one of them high-tension wires down into the lake, y'know? Just for an hour or so. Carbonate her right up! HAROLD GREEN: Well, won't that kill all the electricity around here? RED GREEN: No. {Suddenly, they hear electricity crackling, followed by an electric snap, then the whole Lodge is plunged into darkness. Harold looks around.} Segue: Glen Brachston {Glen is seated on a lawn chair on the dock of his marina, reading the newspaper. Next to his foot is a black phone, ringing. It rings once, then stops. Glen looks at it, then glances back at the paper. The phone rings again. Glen kicks the phone into the water and goes back to reading his paper.} Red's Campfire Song {Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.} RED GREEN: :Oh, I like honey, I like jam, :I like myself just the way I am. :I don't mind the pimples and I don't mind the warts, :And I really don't care how bad I look in shorts. :I got skinny arms and a great big nose, :I got hair in my ears and hair on my toes. :People say I'm ugly, but I don't make a fuss, :'Cause I always get a seat by myself. On the bus. That's What Friends Are For {Red and Winston run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.} RED GREEN: Okay, you just pulled in your driveway, and it's late, and you didn't tell anybody you were gonna be late. You're not gonna be able to sneak into the house, and you know the very first thing you're gonna hear as soon as you go through that front door... RED GREEN, WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {in unison} "Why didn't you call?" WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And you're gonna need an answer, and you're gonna need the truth! And the truth is you don't have an answer, eh? RED GREEN: So the truth becomes, you're gonna have to make somethin' up. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And it's gonna have to be a hummer! RED GREEN: So what we're gonna do is make somethin' up for you now, and you can use it later when you need 'em. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Right. Okay, here's a good one: "Uh, sorry I didn't call, honey, but I gave all my money to a homeless family who was livin' in a parking lot behind the bar in a dumpster, and I just didn't have the heart to ask them for change for the phone." {Pause. The audience laughs.} RED GREEN: Or you can say, "The police come into the bar, and they said they're trackin' aliens, which apparently are pure energies. But anyway, they said, 'Nobody can use the phone, includin' the table dancers!'" WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Or I guess you could just say, "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't call. It was thoughtless of me. I feel really bad. I love you very much. Please forgive me." RED GREEN: ...But try the other two first. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah, yeah. {They run back up the stairs.} Handyman Corner {Red stands behind his worktable.} RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, what with me trying that new water diet, I thought I'd show you how you can make your very own home water purification system. Did you realize that the human body is... I believe, around 70% water? And the rest is fat and additives. All right, first thing you're gonna need is a large container of some kind. {Red picks up a green plastic trash can and sets it on the table.} RED GREEN: Might wanna clean that out real good. {takes a washcloth and rubs around inside the can, then takes it out} There we go. That's not enough. You gotta sterilize it, which is a scary term for most men. {picks up a propane torch} The truth is, most germs and bacteria can survive soap and water. {lights up torch} But they die in a good propane flame. {turns up fire} I say if you can't take the heat, get out of the water purifier! {Red lowers the torch into the trash can. A pink flame erupts from the can. Red recoils in surprise. The flame dies down. Red looks into the can.} RED GREEN: That was a bad bit. Glad I didn't drink that. {turns off torch} Alright, that's got her. Now you wanna put some pills in there, {picks up a box of pills} 'cause in the real water purifiers, they use... {pauses to think} how– howicide, halogen, halocide, or something or rather. Halizone sounds like it might be it. I got these pills from Old Man Sedgewick's room, so they're halitosis pills. I figure that's gotta be close enough. {puts some pills in the can} All right, those are in there. {picks up a bottle of more pills} I also got his nitro pills while I was in there. Hope he has a nice day. I'll put them in because of him! {opens bottle and pours pills into can} All right, now to do the actual filtering, {picks up a bag of charcoal} I'm thinking, you know the fish in the aquarium and so on? They use charcoal in their filters. And the fish don't just drink the water, they do everything in it. Charcoal must be real good. Just open this up. {removes string from opening strap} Just like taking out the appendix stitches. And sock the ol' charcoal in there. {dumps the charcoal into the trash can; charcoal dust wafts out of the can} There we go. That's gonna make it clean. As you're filtering out, you hear germs and bacteria and chemicals. Also odors. So I'm thinking, baking soda! {picks up a box of baking soda} Works in your fridge, right? All right, I'll just... {struggles to open box, which won't open} Got the kid-proof top on there... {picks up electric knife} There we go. See, it's the kid-proof top on that. No problem. {Red turns on the knife and uses it to cut open the box of baking soda.} RED GREEN: {pouring baking soda into can} And we'll put that in there. All right, also good with dealing with odors and also with filtering is, uh, kitty litter. {picks up a bag of kitty litter} Now, I would recommend that you use fresh kitty litter. I'm all for recycling, but only up to a point. {opens bag} Dump that in there. {shakes bag over trash can to dump litter out into it} Use a lot of kitty litter. {finishes, covered in bits of litter} That's pretty much it. The water's gonna be clean enough, I think, at this point. Red's Sage Advice RED GREEN: Wanna talk to all you middle-aged guys out there about your eyesight. I know what you're going through: holdin' the newspaper between your toes so you can focus on the page, tryin' to look up a phone number and squintin' so hard you throw your back out. Now, a lot of guys are gettin' glasses, but I say don't do it! Deterioratin' eyesight is part of a master plan. Mother Nature's pretty smart, you know. Like the way that as you get older, she makes your teeth fall out so you'll eat oatmeal and other stuff that's good for you. That's the same kind of thing with your eyesight, because guys our age are a lot happier not knowing exactly what they look like. Or what each other looks like if your partner is around the same age. If your partner's a lot younger than you, sounds to me like they're the ones who need the glasses. As far as book reading's concerned, you gotta get all that in by the time you're 30, so that you'll have time to apply all the knowledge you've picked up. Any knowledge that you get at my age is not enough time to understand and not enough energy to practice. So I say just let your eyes go. They say your eyes are the window to your mind, and if your eyes are failing, there's a pretty good chance your brain's on its last legs, too. So just let 'em go, and then when you die, you can will 'em to somebody you don't like. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together. Segue: Glen Brachston 2 {Glen is seated on the hood of a boat, trying to drink from a seemingly empty cup of soda.} Plot Segment 2 Visit With Buzz Sherwood Segue: Glen Brachston 3 Harold's Segment {Red and Harold are fishing in a creek.} HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, why do you think people smoke? RED GREEN: Don't know, don't care, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: Well, you should, 'cause they're ruining their health, and they're ruining yours with second-hand smoke. RED GREEN: Well, everything else I have is second-hand. I don't see why I should be getting brand-new smoke, 'cept from my van. HAROLD GREEN: Well, why do you think they do it? I got a theory! You wanna know why? I got a theory about– You think maybe they weren't raised properly? Think smoking's like... {giggles} breastfeeding? RED GREEN: Only if you inhale, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: Well, I wish everyone in the world would just grow up and stop smoking. {his fishing pole wiggles} RED GREEN: I think you got a fish on your hook there, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: I know! I've been trying to wiggle him off for an hour. RED GREEN: Well, I'll take it. Might be a salmon. I can make my famous smoked salmon. Or I guess in this case, it'd be second-hand smoked salmon, eh, Harold? {Harold laughs. He is then dragged downstream by the fish supposedly on his hook.} RED GREEN: {calling after him} Don't inhale! Adventures With Bill Plot Segment 3 Segue: Winston Rothschild WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, where... {he holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number are displayed} "We put the P.U. in 'pump'!" Visit With Glen Brachston The Experts {Red, Harold and Edgar all sit around a table. Harold sits in one chair, while Red and Edgar share a love seat.} HAROLD GREEN: Hey, and welcome to the Expert portion of the show! This week, claiming to be an expert with my uncle, Red, is, uh, Edgar K.B. Montrose! {Red, Harold and the audience all applaud. Edgar waves. Harold picks up a letter on the table.} HAROLD GREEN: Today's letter is from a viewer in Brandon, Manitoba! It says, "Dear Experts, I love to barbecue, but lately, our neighborhood has been overrun by a huge flock of seagulls that ruin everything. What can I do?" RED GREEN: {looking towards Edgar} Any ideas there, Edgar? EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, Red, uh, if this guy is from Brandon, like it sounded like he was... {Pause. The audience laughs.} HAROLD GREEN: Yes? EDGAR MONTROSE: ...and, uh, if he loves to barbecue, uh, he probably has a spare propane tank sittin' by somewhere. So what I recommend is, he take the tank and he cover it in bacon fat, roll it in bird seed, and put it in the middle of the lawn. HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to draw out the birds! Yeah, like at our house, you know, we got like a bowl of sugar water to draw out the bees, you know? So when we're eating, they don't come near us, y'know, and scare us or stuff like that, y'know? Or they land in your nose and you get paralyzed with fear, y'know? {Red and Edgar stare at him} I remember one time– Remember one time– I remember this one time– This one time, right, this bee landed right on my ear, right? And my mum said, "Don't move!", right? So I didn't move, 'cause when my mum speaks, that's that, right? But it was a queen bee! It was a queen bee. And the queen bee built this huge hive right on my ear! It was huge! I couldn't believe it! I missed the whole week of school! It was great, right? My dad sprayed it with Raid and then, on the way to the hospital, he collected all the honey! So... {Pause} EDGAR MONTROSE: ...That's not what I meant, Harold. When the birds come by to feed off the can, he takes his rifle. Say, a 306. HAROLD GREEN: {alarmed} Oh, no! Hey, hey, you don't shoot the seagulls! EDGAR MONTROSE: No, you shoot the can! And then... KABOOM! {As he shouts this, Edgar throws his arms up in the air. The room rocks and various objects fall around them. Red and Harold look around.} EDGAR MONTROSE: No more birds! No more problems! And the concussion'll shatter any seagull egg within two miles! {Edgar holds up his right hand, only to see that the index finger on it is missing. So he holds up two fingers on his left hand.} Segue: Buzz Sherwood {Buzz is seated in his plane, about to take off.} BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, if you can't be with the plane you love, love the plane you're with. {starts the engine to take off} Plot Segment 4 Trivia Real-World Reference *Buzz's message about loving planes is a parody of a line from the song "Love the One You're With": "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Fast Forward *In the Red's Sage Advice segment of Life Cycle, Red would say to actually do get glasses.